- Danielle, I will at some point do the post about being tagged
- Jennifer this is what I was talking about a few days agohttp://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=steroidsExc&num=21
- I'm excited to be heading home this weekend. I have received Christmas Cards from the Stanworths and Walburgers. I told my dad that I would write a Christmas letter. We'll see.
- In heavy rotation is my Christmas Playlist on my iPod is Last Christmas by Wham, Happy X-Mas by John Lennon, Santa Baby by Rev Run and I just bought All I Want For Christmas by Mariah Carrey. I guess I forgot how much I love Christmas Music.
- Today is James Warren Marquardson's 27th Birthday. Happy Birthday to my Freshman year roommate, my good friend, and Father to be!
And now on to my thoughts.
If you haven't seen the movie there are spoilers here.
Last night I watched the movie Love Actually for the first time. I had caught a snippet of it when I was home in California over the summer and liked what I saw. Thanks to a Clean Flix copy I got to watch the heart warming Christmas movie. The very brief summary is that it tells an intertwined story about the different types of love. There is platonic love, unrequited love, sorrowful love, new love, familial love, puppy love and probably a few others that I am forgetting to mention. It had an excellent sound track and it was uplifting. But for some reason it got me thinking about the idea of the what I'll call the grand gesture. Love Actually is full of this phenomenon where one party expresses their affection in a huge way.
Chuck Klosterman wrote about how all girls love Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack's Character from Say Anything). He is famous for holding the Boom Box over his head one of the most memorable Grand Gestures. Anyway in the movie one guy learns Portuguese because he falls in love with a woman who does not speak English, so at the drop of a hat on Christmas Eve he decides he will fly to France to see her (She lives there not Portugal) and propose. A man who is in love with his best friend's wife in an effort of full disclosure admits his feelings, and a little boy goes head to head with the British version of the TSA. In these instances they make this amazing gesture to show how much they care. This gesture usually involves two things, extraordinary effort and courage.
So I wonder a few things. Is it expected? Does this really work? Is it necessary? Should I have made the Grand Gesture myself?
So here we have a generation of people who have been embedded with messages that if we just speak up, or we race to the airport and “lay it on the line” that the “one who got away” will become the “one who came back” or the “if they only knew” will become “it was meant to be” and finally “if only you saw me differently” would become “you were right there the whole time”. Surely at some point this must have happened right? But wouldn’t it be the exception to the rule?
If a meaningful relationship is meant to be, then chances are this kind of gesture wouldn't be necessary. One might be willing to do it anyway because relationships are (and rightfully should be) one of the things we are truly passionate about. Yes, I would get on a plane to tell you how I really felt ( I actually sort of did that once it was not so dramatic as a typical movie, and the results were not as positive as one would expect from the movies) if I believed that was what you needed. I think that it helps our own self outwardly manifest how strongly we feel. In other words, "I can not fully tell you what you mean to me and the only way that you can understand just how much that is, is for me to do (INSERT GRAND GESTURE HERE)." Certainly one does not want to be pressured into making a Grand Gesture.
Now in the same essay Chuck Klosterman talks about the song "More Than Words" by Extreme. I read this chapter for the first time like three years ago and I remember it making a big impression on me but not really understanding why. I actually sent a paragraph to someone and she didn't get it. As I was running an errand this morning that essay and it's relationship to my thoughts came back to me in force. Here are the lyrics:
Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
Its not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
Nuno and Gary (the guys who wrote the song) are making the point that being in love is more than saying I love you , and that showing you love someone is what is really important not saying it. If a relationship is “right” then you shouldn’t have to do these crazy things. Am I right? If it’s “right” you should absolutely be willing to and prepared to make a Grand Gesture but it in most cases wouldn’t be necessary. In reality the people in "Love Actually" in most every case would not need to fly to France, go behind their best friend’s back, or disrupt diplomatic relations with a Super Power. Instead their significant other would “already know” from the little things. And this doesn't even begin to address the issue if one of these Grand Gestures backfires. You risk anything from a bit of embarrassment and humbling to the dreaded label of "creepy" which is pretty which is one of the worst one can be labeled with.
So maybe it shouldn't be necessary but for me I still can't help but feel like words, and opening the door, or being a gentleman, or being thoughtful and all that sort of thing is enough. I do those things because that is the person I am but do I need to do more than that? You can't help but wonder if I did make that extraordinary effort would that be the tipping point? Or if the "right" relationship should take that sort of effort at all because you would hope that it would just happen.
The truth is I have no idea. I am very interested to hear your perspectives on this. Leave a comment or talk to me so we can figure it.*
-Peter
I completely understand if this makes absolutely no sense to you. I found it a bit difficult to formulate coherently.
7 comments:
At some point, someone has to step it up. Grad gesture nessisary? Perhaps.
For example, you do the small, thoughtful things because that is who you are... so how would some girl know if it was because you cared for her or because you were just being you? In cases such as that- you would have to do something "above and beyond" or she might not ever know.
Also, sometimes the grand gestures are more for the people who perform them... not for the person on the receiving end. If you liked someone for so long and kept it in, that would kill... and when you finally let it out, you would proably want to shout it out... thus, grand gestures.
Peter, I'm going to need something grand for us to work. There, I said it.
Rarely, if ever, are things in life summed up in one seminal event or grand gesture in this case.
I have found rather that things are built over time. It is likely that things that need an ah-ha, grand or otherwise happening could possibly be something that is simply sensational in its nature and not necessarily built to last.
Are there anchor points? Sure, but I tend to agree that relationships are built blocks at a time - often the most significant happenings are largely not tied to one, dramatic life changing event. It's good for a movie, but it's not real life.
An intriguing post, one in which I am still hashing over in the recesses of my mind.
Peter,
When you flew out, I just wasn't ready for commitment...I mean...
Thanks for the birthday wishes.
I'll pick a side and say that grand gestures aren't necessary. They fade away quickly. It's the day to day things that matter for me. If you have to fuel the fire by doing big things, you'll either run out of money or energy, and it shouldn't have to be that way.
I think both small, daily gestures and grand gestures are needed. Every once in a while, you need to know that someone took the time and lowered their pride enough to make you feel special. I love grand gestures but I usually fail at how to accept them...nice poem.
Best grand gesture done in my behalf --- I was in the airport saying goodbye to my boyfriend at the time. He got through security and yelled "I love you Mandy." The girls behind me sighed and said "that is so cute." I cried and felt special.
Sometimes when I call you back within 5 minutes you could answer the phone. pshh. haha. I completely agree with you on this. You shouldn't have to wow someone into falling in love with you. I think you are wonderful, and that your lucky girl is just around the corner. I seriously can't wait for ya'll to come next week. Bring skiing attire. ok.
Wait, you are going to Utah again?! No fair!!
I think we have talked this over and I think you know where I stand. I agree with Jim, grand gestures are fun and all - but they are not what a sustainable relationship is about. I feel like a good relationship should be pretty easy, something that comes naturally for lack of a better word, not something contrived or for which you really have to work "hard". Of course it doesn't mean you become complacent either, but if grand gestures are needed, it usually means that normal communication is lacking somewhere.
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