Simply Amazing

Van Nostrand, Vandelay, and Pennypacker

A large part of my job is writing or writing related. I was a Political Science major in college and consider myself a good writer. Maybe not great but good, certainly more than adequate. That being said I don’t know that words and even a few choice pictures will do this evening justice. Usually I would do bullet points but this might necessitate a narrative. My beloved Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are playing a series this week in nearby Baltimore. I was pleased that I watched the game Tuesday night on TV and saw my Angels cruise to victory. Vlad had two home runs. Whilst watching the game I texted former roommate (still bitter he moved out) and fellow Angel aficionado Matt Waldrip to see if he wanted to go to the game. He said that indeed he was interested and that we would make plans during the work day. Dan Nelson also a huge baseball fan was also floated an invitation. As someone who appreciates baseball even when his team (the vaunted New York Yankees) is not involved directly he showed some interest in visiting Camden Yards which most agree is one of the best stadiums to watch a game.

Throughout the day Dan, Matt and I traded emails, updating on our current work status and figuring out the time we would leave. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the drive between Washington DC and Baltimore, it isn’t particularly far (about 40 miles) but it can take a while to get there as the route is generally two lanes and there is always traffic after work. Despite these obstacles we were undaunted. Baseball was calling and we were answering the call…as it were. The three of us were slightly concerned that we would miss a good portion of the game as we were a little late getting started as well as the ease of procuring tickets. Dan assured us that “Great seats were still available”. The truth is we knew there would be no lack of available tickets as the Orioles have been pretty terrible lately. Performances that have included giving up 30 runs one game and being no hit by a rookie in another. We bought the cheapest tickets available for just $9.00 with the idea that we would “upgrade” on our own much like my earlier days going to events with Jordan and never sitting in the seat we were ticketed for. Camden is a beautiful stadium, I’ve mentioned before on the blog. They have an area in right field where you can stand and watch the game and hope someone hits a homerun. It also gives you a chance to taunt the right fielder. When we walked into the stadium we were pleased to see that the Angels were already up 6-1. Right away we blasted Nick Markakis the Orioles outfielder from our perch in right field. We surveyed the stadium looking for a premium place to sit. We settled on seats on the first base side. I must mention that the atomosphere for the game was quiet but the conditions were absolutely perfect for baseball. Perfectly clear, warm but not hot. It was the best place I could possibly have been.

Mascot Appreciation Night. Not Pictured Ferrous the "Iron Bird"

The night’s promotion was Minor League Affiliate Night. This meant that the organizations that were affiliated with the Orioles all sent their mascots for an evening of chicanery and ballyhoo. We gave props to the Oriole bird. Then it pretty much all broke loose. The first target of our derision was Ferrous the Iron Bird. Mascot of the Aberdeen Iron Birds. I don’t know that I can articulate a reason why we decided that we would raz him a bit, but raz him we did. We demanded in the loudest voices possible to know what he was (his costume was slightly confusing) and informed him that he feared us. I pointed at him aggressively (a favor that was returned to me a bit later remember that) and told him that he feared us. We told him he was a disappointment to Cal Ripken Jr. and that we had “dominated” him. He gave us the most hilarious throat slash and followed that by a totally unexpected pelvic thrust. I practically choked from laughing so hard. We were sitting by a lot of older people who strangely seemed somewhat entertained by our antics. We watched as the Angels continued to pound the baseball capped at that point by a two run Garret Anderson homerun (incidentally Garret is the hottest hitter in Baseball despite what others might say). Anytime your team is dominating it makes you all the happier to be at the ballgame. Kelvim Escobar didn’t pitch great but he was good enough and the bullpen was solid.

The Vladimator

You can’t help but people watch at a baseball game. All the while we were scoping even better seats to move up to. Although none of us are beer drinkers for obvious reason we were impressed by Karl Malone serving the fine people of Baltimore cold malt beverages (it wasn’t really the Mailman but he was jacked and his name was Clancy). Another one of the beer purveyors nearly took a tumble as he tripped over a small boy who was playing in the aisle way. That is how we discovered a fine family at the game. Fine may be a generous way of describing them as white trash is probably more suitable. I offered my best Dr. Spock advice (surprisingly it was neither solicited nor implemented) to buy the kid a soft serve ice cream in a novelty helmet. Instead this beast of a woman (approaching a legit 4 bills) took another route and chose to basically beat the kid. Needless to say the little guy was none too pleased. The patriarch of the family did little more than watch as this epic battle went on. This distraction allowed what Dan described as a cougar (not of the BYU variety ) to sneak up on Matt’s feet. Now we all now Matt is a big fan of cougars (see land lady) but even Mr. Waldrip was surprised to find out that this particular lady had contemplated nibbling his toes, we later found out that quote “My cats do it all the time.” It was shocking and hilarious. A few hotdogs and an Oriole attempt at a rally later we decided that our work had been done in that particular section and it was time to move up. Once again Jordan would have been so proud. We had kept our eyes on a few sections one of which was taken by a couple of old guys with similar ideas. We had been momentarily distracted by the world’s most amazing comb over. Our attention had been drawn to another section for another reason which after later inspection would likely have led us to be arrested in many states. “Officer I swear she looked like she was twenty five from this far away.” So we decided on some sixth row seats just above the Orioles’ dug out. It put us in perfect position to watch the game, for Matt to reconnect with long time friend and current Orioles third base coach Juan Samuel and to make a couple of new friends. If the older people we had sat by earlier had tolerated and maybe enjoyed our antics, the people sitting around us now we’re pretty much in love with us. Everyone knows that I’m a sucker for blondes so it only took me about 30 seconds to notice the “hot” blonde sitting a few sections over with her equally “hot” brunette friend. Now anyone who had been to a sporting event knows the type. These girls were using their “assets” to move up and mug for the camera. There was a bunch of I would say 50 year old guys who were eating this up. Clearly these were guys with a lot of money but not a lot of what I like to call, “Game”. One guy seemed particularly enamored by the ladies. He wanted to show off his pierced ear and his new hair plugs. They look so real, I can even go swimming with them. Uh no buddy they look as realistic as the Orioles playoff chances this year. A running joke throughout the night started very early on. As we were scouting for seats and looking at the different possibilities we saw a section below the press behind home plate. Dan said that they may be for the players family’s or possibly Brian Roberts girlfriends, plural. Brian Roberts is the Orioles talented second baseman who we are pretty confident is the most eligible bachelor in Baltimore. We laughed really hard at the joke and it came up many times throughout the evening, none better when the hotties were leaving and I screamed Brian Roberts doesn’t want you, take a hike toots! It was huge. Not soon after B-Rob grounded out and in frustration tossed his bat to a guy a few rows in front of us. An awesome souvenir. Unfortunately the guys buddy had gone on a beer run and missed out on his chance to get the bat. For an Angels fan the game was outstanding, as the Angels kept piling on the runs. Brandon Wood probably the Angels top prospect hit his first career homerun. This led me to pronounce “I have seen the future and it is Brandon Wood.” Matt tried unsuccessfully to get a tip of the cap from the Angel dugout but his effort was valiant nonetheless. The Angel’s number 9 hitter is Reggie Willits. He has amazing plate discipline which translates to him rarely swinging the bat at pitches outside of the strike zone or at all for that matter. Dan with all his might encouraged Reggie to swing but Reggie was resolute and walked on four pitches without a swing. At some point the Angels had base runners on and the third baseman Fahey threw wildly on a non force play to home. Although it wasn’t Friday we still had zero tolerance and you better believe we rode him for the rest of the game. The Orioles pitching was terrible which resulted in a number of visits to the mound from pitching Coach Leo Mazzone. Thinking discretion was the better part of valor Matt Waldrip refrained form mentioning Leo’s personal affinity for long time Atlanta Braves Manager Bobby Cox. The Orioles fans don’t have a lot of pride in their current roster but they do love Cal Ripken Jr. So when I was about to mention Cal Ripken Jr. was rolling over in his grave (funny because he isn’t dead) I thought better of it. We were yelling so loud and for so long I was beginning to get a headache, but I would not be deterred from getting a great picture of Vlad, however the man we referred to as “Suspenders” would have none of it. He did not want me approaching the dugout to take the pic. In a karmic moment he pointed aggressively to go back to my seat much the way I had pointed at Ferrous. I had been dominated. Suspenders had my respect.

Art Vandelay and our new friends. Cross your fingers.

At this point you might be thinking, Peter certainly nothing else could have happened. And yet it did. After yelling for about 30 minutes straight we were approached by what I would call Drunk Chicks. They asked our names and almost immediately Dan remembered the famous Seinfeld aliases. So naturally Dan introduced him himself as Art Vandelay he is in the latex business, you know, import export. I introduced Matt as Dr. Van Nostrand and myself as Mr. Pennypacker, a Judge. We kept our stories fairly straight and tried to convince the girls that Matt and I were identical cousins whatever that was. They told us that they were teacher and after an appropriate Ron Burgandy pause I told them, “I don’t believe you.” We instructed them on the importance of not smoking and I made sure to take a picture of them with Dan. They informed us about which side of the “plate” they preferred swinging from but after further inquiry Matt felt confident that they were misrepresenting themselves.

Dominance has a number

They game came to and end and the heroic Angels had dominated once again. After the game Matt had a further conversation with Juan Samuel and Juan made notice that Mr. Waldrip had grown much in the years since they had last seen one another. Dan pointed out fellow BYU Cougar (again not the same type of cougar that solicited Matt earlier) Jeremy Guthrie who pitches for the Orioles. We went up and told him “Rise and Shout” and he finally figured out what we were talking about.

We had a great time and noticed that the Orioles do seem to attract more female fans that I would describe as “Gnarly” than one might expect. We walked back to the car as victors. Not only the game but of Camden Yards entirely. It was a truly dominant performance, difficult if not impossible to match. The evening was capped off as Matt negotiated a reduced rate for us to leave the parking lot.

Yes, the city of Baltimore had welcomed with open arms and then fully embraced us. We were the Princes of the city for that night.